I got married and had my oldest right before my 1 year anniversary. 2 and a half months later my dad died unexpectedly, I moved in with my mom with my newborn and husband for 3 months and couldn’t breastfeed her, I was depressed as I was really close to my dad, and ended up losing my supply dealing with everything.
I Was Alone
I was alone a lot because my husband worked second shift and left at 330 every day and got back at 330 am. We tried for a couple of years to get pregnant and finally did with my second oldest, about 28 weeks into the pregnancy we found out she was “different”. She was born at 39 weeks and they told me I had to hold her properly or her air supply could be cut off and she could die.
When our youngest was born it intensified I wanted to be done breastfeeding but I nursed my other two and I would feel guilty if didn’t with him. I was having suicidal thoughts because my children deserve someone better than me as a mother.
By this point, I had abandoned most friendships and was back to being a stay at home mom. I only lasted 6 months breastfeeding with her. I felt like a failure, I felt alone, I felt depressed constantly. I talked to my aunt about it (I’ve suffered from depression since I was in middle school) she told me I needed to talk to my doctor. He started me on Prozac, I started feeling slightly better.
I Wanted To Die
Then I got pregnant with my 3rd and they told me I needed to be off the meds, I wanted to die, I called my husband and said “I just want it to end, I don’t wanna do this anymore, no one likes me”. He came home and told me that I needed to talk to the doctor about it.
So my OBGYN gave me the okay to take meds while I was pregnant. I felt like a failure because I knew that my 3rd would have the medicine in her system. About a year ago I was diagnosed with bipolar depression and started taking more meds (I take about 5 a day plus one for the numbness I have in my leg from my first pregnancy).
Still Struggling Through My Journey
I feel like a failure most days, most I want to make it all end, some are just numb, somedays I want to lay in bed but I have to get up and take care of my kids.
I just want to be normal.
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